Author: Juliet Bunting

“When you are authentic, you create a certain energy… people want to be around you because you are unique.” – Andie MacDowell

There’s a unique and unmistakable power in knowing, becoming and being your real self. Those who are truly happy in life understand this power and vehemently stick to their authentic selves.

When you discover how to be your authentic self, you live in the flow. Creativity and abundance come to you effortlessly. Consistently living up to your core values leads to self-confidence. You trust yourself, and know that you can overcome obstacles when pursuing your goals. 

To be authentic is not to allow a situation or person to change you, unless for the better. Personal authenticity is firmly in place, regardless of who is in your company.

While we may not be able to change someone else’s authenticity, we can certainly change ours. Feeling the need to “put on a mask” is exhausting and stressful.

To be your authentic self requires honesty, vulnerability, and courage – and it’s also incredibly rewarding.

What does it mean to be an authentic person? And how do you find your true self? Here are some tips for how to discover yourself.

1. WHEN DO YOU FEEL THE MOST AUTHENTIC?

Asking yourself some direct questions can help you discover who you are when you are not putting on a mask or betraying your core values. When you get clear on those values, you will find it easier to make decisions in line with your authentic self.

• Which type of people, activities, or situations make you feel the most alive?
• Are there people or parts of your life that make you feel unhappy, angry, or toxic?

Then take it a step further. In situations that feel wrong to you, what’s really going on? Write down:

• Who you’re with
• What emotions come up
• What these experiences cost you emotionally or physically

In situations where you feel authentic, what’s going on? Write down:

• Who you’re with
• What activities are involved
• Positive emotions or outcomes of these experiences

From this activity alone, you will get a sense of what needs to change.

2. BUILD YOUR AUTHENTIC SOCIAL CIRCLE

If you want to live an authentic life, you’ll need to surround yourself with authentic people.

That means intentionally giving your time and attention to people who not only are true to themselves, but also support you in your journey.

Surround yourself with supportive people who lift you up. They can encourage you to shine as your true self.

• Find communities, groups, or people in your life who share your core values. Spend time with them and stand by them
• Surround yourself with people who encourage your big dreams, rather than shoot them down
• Walk away from the negative people
• Find a spiritual life coach who can help navigate your path to self-discovery

3. ASSERTIVELY SPEAK YOUR TRUTH

• Expressing your needs honestly with confidence
• Listening to other people when they speak
• Set boundaries that prevent unhealthy conversations
• Keeping eye contact during a conversation
• Being able to say no

Release any guilt or self-limiting thoughts. The past is the past – it’s over, done. Be in the moment, present, and at peace with your identity. This process may be gradual, and that’s okay. Breathe, be patient, and your real self will eventually surface.

4. IGNORE THE CYNICS

As you begin to make positive changes in your life, people will start to take notice. Most will look at you with admiration and respect – a few may not. Should you become aware of this cynicism, be mindful, and their pessimism, along with any discomfort you may feel, will inevitably disappear.

5. TAKE DAILY ACTION

If your time is dominated by other people’s priorities, of course you will feel you are not living your truth. Set aside time to decide your priorities for the day ahead: tasks for work, exercise, getting enough sleep.

Include time each day to take a small step forward on your personal goals. This could be as simple as spending a few minutes researching a career change or practicing an art or sport that brings you joy.

Write down times and places when you felt your authenticity begin to wane – the actions and behaviours (yours and theirs), the situation, your observations, and the outcome. Make a change!

6. PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYONE

It’s too easy to become lazy and overlook other people – don’t make this mistake. Many people have a valuable lesson to teach if we’d only let them. Don’t underestimate the power of observation. Some of the best lessons may come without a word being uttered.

7. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING

Giving your full attention to someone else is a remarkably powerful skill. Active listening is a sign of respect and of your true interest in others, which is a gift in itself. However, it also provides: (1) a stronger bond and level of trust with others, and (2) a fantastic opportunity to learn and grow from their knowledge and experiences.

8. BE KIND

Being your authentic self and living up to your ideals means demonstrating kindness to everyone. Say hello, ask them how they’re doing, and make good eye contact while displaying a genuine smile.

9. ACCEPT CHANGE

In order to be authentic, it also means being comfortable with change. Regardless of the circumstances, remain true to your inner core. Be open to self-improvement as well, as there is nothing more authentic than changing for the better.

10. ALIGN YOUR HEART AND PATH

You have one precious life to live. Spend it following your passions and your heart. Remember, the only expectations that truly matter are the ones that you set forth. Follow your real expectations by allowing you heart and life’s journey to walk step-in-step.

Now that you have a better idea of how to discover yourself, all that is left is to work on it and, most importantly of all, be authentic. Once you have figured out how to do this, and started living it, you may be surprised at how much your life and your relationships improve.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

By Marianne Williamson

There are a few misconceptions about relationship counselling. Some couples believe that you should only seek help when separation or divorce may be likely. But that can often be to little, too late. You may want to consider relationship counselling as soon as the problems get in the way of your daily life. Here are some signs that you might benefit from a consultation:

• You have trouble expressing your feelings to one another
• You have one or more unsolvable disagreements
• There is withdrawal, criticism, or contempt in your interactions
• A stressful event has shaken your daily life
• You have trouble making decisions together
• You have experienced infidelity, addiction, or abuse
• You want a stronger relationship

Remember that there are no wrong reasons to seek relationship counselling. Some couples start therapy as soon as they are married, even without obvious problems, to build a strong foundation and prevent serious problems from developing. Counselling can help you become better communicators, develop strong relationship skills, and improve your family’s happiness. 

Some couple wait six years before seeking therapy. This is a lot of time to let problems fester; at this point, troubled relationships are difficult to save. Instead, it’s best to acknowledge problems early and seek therapy as soon as possible.

Problems with relationships are not limited to romantic ones, even though that’s the most popular reason people consult for relationship therapy.

In the last few years online therapy has become increasingly popular for a number of reasons. Some individuals who suffer from social anxiety find it more effective to hold therapy online. For some couples who are separated or are working away find it difficult to find a suitable date and time to meet for therapy in person. Group video calls are very effective and are often held over Skype or WhatsApp.

Online counselling is cheaper and saves time. You don’t have to worry about the children being in bed, or if you have a cold and feel under the weather. Many therapists can offer more flexible appointments when working online.

Why not take advantage of a free consultation where you can ask your questions and to see if online therapy would work for you.

The past two years has seen a sharp increase in the number of couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties. According to a BBC News article ‘Covid ended our marriage’: The couples who split in the pandemic – more and more people were reaching out for online therapy.

But how does having online relationship counselling differ from face to face therapy?

The fist thing is to identify a therapist that you feel drawn to and who offers online therapy. You will need a laptop or smart phone which supports the use of Zoom, Skype or WhatsApp face to face. Ensure that you have somewhere comfortable to be seated during your hour with the counsellor with adequate lighting and good Wi-Fi signal.. Consider if you would benefit from headphones if you are not already set up with a microphone.

Your counsellor will give you a date and time for your session and will send you a link which you will click on and it will allow you to join the meeting.

Once you have found a comfortable space, set up your phone or laptop and minimised the risk of interruption you will find that speaking with your counsellor will feel quite normal.

Couples counselling doesn’t have to involve both of you together. You can always take turns and alternate sessions, especially if childcare makes it hard for you.

Sometimes clients can feel uncomfortable or threatened if their partner speaks to the therapist on their own, while others may find it easier to talk one to one. You should always raise any concerns with your therapy.

“Communication is key. That’s what so much of a counsellor’s work is about – helping a couple find ways of communicating with each other.”

Anger is a normal and useful emotion, it can tell children that things are not right or fair. But watch out for children’s behaviour becoming out of control or aggressive because of anger.

Don’t be afraid to explore the causes of angry emotions. Helping your child learn to deal with anger in a healthy manner has many benefits. In the short term it stops anger from causing your child and your family distress. In the longer term it helps them learn to solve problems and cope with emotions.

Don’t judge children for their anger

Team up with your child to help them deal with their anger. This way, you let your child know that the anger is the problem, not them.

With younger children this can be fun and creative. Give anger a name and try drawing it. For example, anger can be a volcano that eventually explodes.

How you respond to anger can influence how your child responds to anger. Making it something you do together can help you both.

Find the anger triggers

Work together to try to find out what triggers the anger. You’ll learn to recognise the early warning signs that anger is starting to rise.

Talk together about strategies you and your child can use against anger. You could encourage your child to count to 10 or walk away from the situation.

When you see the early warning signs, give your child a gentle reminder that anger may be trying to sneak up. This gives them the chance to try their strategies.

Have a specific goal

Have an agreed goal to work towards, with a way of recognising what you’re achieving together. You could have a star chart on the wall and reward your child with stickers for keeping anger away for a whole hour, then gradually move to half a day, then a day and so on.

Praise your child

Positive feedback is important. Praise your child’s efforts and your own efforts, no matter how small. This will build your child’s confidence in the battle against anger. It will also help them feel that you’re both learning together.  The more time you spend on praising their efforts, the less time there is for punishment for failing.

How to recognise anger in children

Changes in your child’s thoughts and feelings will lead to changes in their body language and their behaviour. These could include:

• clenched fists
• tightness or tenseness in their body
• verbal outbursts
• a particular facial expression
• hitting out

When anger takes over, it can come in different forms, from a verbal outburst to being physically aggressive and causing damage to furniture.

Anger can sometimes make children act in a way that’s harmful to themselves or others. For example, punching walls or hitting out. Try to make the surrounding environment as safe as possible if this happens.

If you’re concerned that anger is taking over your child and your family please contact me.

What is a panic attack?

A sudden rush of physical and emotional symptoms that can occur apparently without warning

Physical symptoms include:

• Heart palpitations
• Shortness of breath
• Tightness in the chest
• Increased sweating
• Clammy hands
• Light-headedness, dizziness, faintness
• Shaking or trembling
• Nausea

Psychological symptoms include:

• An impulse to run away
• Fear of dying, going crazy, going out of control
• Feeling of unreality

What causes it?

Physiologically the body is reacting to a perceived threat – a similar reaction to the need to escape from a physical danger eg a fire or an accident. The body produces large quantities of a hormone – adrenalin which causes increased heart rate, breathing, muscle tension.

With panic attacks normally there is no apparent or immediate danger and they frequently happen in the most ordinary settings, on a train, in a shop, lecture etc. The lack of obvious explanation can make them more frightening. Sometimes they occur in settings that are more obviously stressful eg in an exam, in a crowd but soon the attack may become more frightening than the situation itself.

Your panic attacks are likely to make you feel out of control and dependent; the victim of your bodily reactions and outside circumstances. The first step along the road to recovery is recognising that you have the power to control your symptoms.  

If you would like to learn ways of managing your panic please contact me.

Spiritual wellness is not:

Being a deeply religious person.

Attending a place of worship on a regular basis.

Forcing a set belief system on one self and expecting others to follow.

Living life according to rigid rules and cultural norms.

Doing what you want to do, and not caring for what others think because your way and belief system is the right way to live.

Is not a one fit for all approach to life.

 Spiritual wellness is:

Developing a life purpose

Having the ability to spend reflective time alone

Spending time reflecting on the meaning in life

Having a sense of right and wrong and being able to act accordingly

Having a relationship with yourself, your heart, and your soul (essence of your being and life purpose).

Caring and acting for the welfare of others and the environment

Being able to practice forgiveness and compassion in life.

Being authentic.