This article is shared from the Counsellor’s Cafe to inspire you and uplift you.
Distant healing can be just as effective as an in-person session in my healing room. It only takes me 10 minutes to scan the clients body and send healing accordingly.
Clients send me a photo or I hold the session over Skype or Zoom.
During the remote healing session clients may feel physical sensations, or emotions, see visual images or just feel very relaxed. How much you feel during a session does not have any bearing on the healing that takes place. The healing continues working with you after the session is over. You may wish to sleep for a short while after the session – though it is better not to sleep during the session if possible as you may miss some interesting sensations.
I love setting up my crystal grid and tuning in to the energy of my clients. I feel so honoured to be able to help clients in this way and I also feel really peaceful from channelling the energy so it’s a nice little re charge for me too!!
Spiritual Wellness Coaching is a soulful merging of Integrative Counselling, Energy healing and holistic approaches to wellbeing.
One of the things I find that often comes up when I’m supporting women with their emotional wellbeing is that they don’t do what they love!!
Women often lose an aspect of themselves trying to be everything they think society wants them to be: super mum, career woman, the obliging daughter to toxic parents or the oppressed and supressed soul to abusive partners.
If YOU could do anything right now, regardless of time, money or ability or any other limiting factors,, what would YOU CHOOSE?
Are you holding yourself back, feel you have to be sensible, act your age or feel too old for something?
What if ‘one day’ became ‘today’ instead?
Eat the cake, buy those shoes, go exploring, connect with great people!!!
Even if it’s out of your budget, what’s the first step YOU could take towards that goal?
Approach each day with a small glimmer of positivity and you will soon begin to see the possibilities.
Like many women I have suffered from high levels of stress and high cortisol levels. Together this can greatly affect your health wellbeing!!
So what is Cortisol and what are the signs in Women?
Cortisol is one of the body’s main stress hormones. When you are under stress and your body’s fight or flight response kicks in, cortisol quickly comes to your rescue.
When cortisol production is balanced, levels of the hormone naturally rise and fall during the day. In response to danger, your body temporarily raises levels of cortisol and adrenaline to handle the stressful event. After the stressors have passed, cortisol and adrenaline levels return to normal.
That’s the way it’s supposed to work. Yet when chronic stress leads to high cortisol levels, it creates a state of adrenal imbalance that often triggers a cascade of adrenal-related symptoms:
- Low sex drive
- Weight gain (especially belly fat)
- Impaired healing and cell regeneration
- Disrupted digestion, mental function (brain fog) and metabolism
- Weakened ability to fight infectionImbalances in other important hormones such as DHEA, estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone
- Loss of muscle and bone
- Mood swings and depression
- Hair and skin problems
- Thyroid imbalances
Adrenal imbalance in women tends to peak between the ages of 35 and 55 and most often shows up in one of the following ways:
- You’re always active and feel “wired.” Your system is constantly fuelled by adrenaline and cortisol to create what feels like a continual state of hyper-energy. Yet you often feel drained.
- You can’t get up in the morning — but you can’t sleep at night. Your natural 24-cycle of energy and relaxation is off-balance. If you’re able to fall asleep, you may wake up in the middle of the night fully alert.
- You have no energy — You feel exhausted all the time. Even getting out of bed often feels like a challenge. You may also experience intense cravings and unexplained weight gain.
Adrenal imbalance may be a factor in many other serious conditions, including fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, arthritis, anxiety at night and more.
How to lower Cortisol and relieve Adrenal fatigue:
- Choose meals that rebalance your adrenal glands
- Choose gentle forms of exercise
- Go to bed earlier – your body needs to heal!
- Counselling to understand and manage your stress factors
Remember, it took a lot of time for high cortisol levels to develop and so it’s going to take time to bring your adrenals back to balance. As you work towards this goal, be kind to yourself, be proactive about all the many changes you can make and steps you can take — and know that you will be well again!
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the toughest things someone will ever do. It makes you feel uncertain. You’ll inevitably doubt yourself. If you’re considering whether to leave your abusive relationship, below are just a few signs you’re ready to do it—from a psychologist who’s been there. Even if you’re not quite ready to leave yet, think of these as small first steps you can start to take to help you find the strength to finally make the leap:
1. You’re taking better care of yourself.
“I was puzzled by how you stopped wearing mascara when you were with him,” my mother told me not too long ago. I’d been a mascara junkie since my adolescence, but every time I wore mascara, my partner would throw a paranoid fit that I was wearing it to attract other men. Eventually, I just gave up mascara completely.
J.K. Rowling once said, “Rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” True to those words, I hired therapists and coaches for my personal development, and over time, my panic attacks stop. Then one day I vowed to start taking care of my body again and committed to shedding the excess weight I’d gained from comfort-eating. I stopped wearing my uniform of sweatpants and a T-shirt and instead wore dresses, perfume, and mascara again.
Bit by bit, I took hold of my life, and it beamed back at me. Having reclaimed my beauty, I no longer cared what he said to put me down.
These days, I tell my clients to never underestimate the power of self love and feeling beautiful—whatever that means to you. Every derogatory word an abusive partner utters to break your spirit will bounce off and boomerang back at them because you are strong in who you are—a beautiful soul, inside and out.
2. That person is absent from your future plans.
We did our usual post-Christmas shopping, and he suggested a certain ornament. Without thinking, I said, “We won’t be together next Christmas.” He was furious and accused me of being negative.
You see, I’d just made a Freudian slip, where something I’d been trying to run away from popped out of my subconscious. I’d been wanting to leave him for some time but never made any concrete plans because I felt guilty for “abandoning” him. My clients have told me how they’d unconsciously done similar things—for instance, packing their ornaments and decorations separately—without having consciously decided to leave. On some level, they knew that’d be their last Christmas together.
Over the years, I made so many compromises. I knew I couldn’t marry him, have children with him, or own a house with him. So I started telling people I wasn’t interested in those things, hoping I’d convince myself, too. Three months before I left, my vision of the future changed. In it were a loving, stable relationship and a home. Not seeing him in my future plans gave me a sense of peace. It affirmed to me that I was ready for a life without him.
Pay attention to your hopes and dreams. Invest your energy in them, and breathe life into them. And notice when your abuser starts to feature less and less in them. Doing this took my self-assuredness to a new level, and I was able to confront the reality of what he had been doing to me.
3. You realize that maybe your abuser can help themselves—but they are choosing not to.
For a long time, I let myself believe that he couldn’t help himself, so I didn’t label his behavior as “abusive” or see him as an abuser. Like most people, I’d always told myself I would never stay with someone who abuses me. But the truth was, when I found myself in that situation, I stayed—because I loved him, because I believed that he’d been hurt, and because I naively thought that love could win it all, the way he promised me. I’d been beaten down by years of insidious abuse and incessant guilt trips, and, on some level, I didn’t believe I deserved better.
It took me a long time to blow past the smoke and smash the mirrors he’d cleverly put up. Once I was able to imagine my life without him, I was able to acknowledge the truth. He didn’t abuse me because of his past, because of his substance problem, or because of the toxic people around him. He did it because it gratified him. And that empowered me to leave in a more profound way than anything had before.
4. You start to prioritize your emotional well-being over protecting your abuser.
Matrimonial consultant Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart characterizes disengagement from an abuser as the moment when an abuse sufferer “starts to change from thought to action.”
“You might start building up your savings in anticipation of your departure, or asserting yourself, making boundaries that you wouldn’t have in the past,” she says. “In arguments, you might find yourself saying things like, ‘I don’t appreciate being treated in this way, so please stop.'”
You eventually start to get the abuse on record. I remember trembling as I made trips to see my minister of Parliament, the local domestic violence charity, and my physician. Even though I felt guilty for taking measures against his treatment of me, I continued to take tangible steps toward independence.
You’ll have to remind yourself continuously that it’s your right to feel safe and be safe. It is not your responsibility to protect your abuser.
Licensed psychotherapist Terri Cole, LCSW, has noted that when her clients are ready to leave abusive relationships, they often seek legal counsel to help them navigate the ending of a marriage, division of property, or custody battles.
5. You stop pretending everything is OK.
For a long while, the prospect of telling my parents and friends back home the truth—that I’d screwed up royally and chosen a wolf in sheep’s clothing—tore me apart. What would they think?
But as I was preparing to leave, I met with three different sets of friends whom I hadn’t seen for some time. They asked me, “How are things with your partner?”
It took courage to say it—I’d never said it to them before—but I replied, “He’s abusing me, and I’ve been planning my departure.” They didn’t judge me. Instead, they offered me spare beds, helpful contacts, and emotional support.
This taught me that, while I’d landed in an unfortunate and perilous situation, I wasn’t to blame. People were sympathetic. I just needed to stop keeping it a secret. Eight days later, I left.
6. You spend less time with your abuser.
I refused to spend time with his friends, accompany him to pubs, or stay at his drug dealer’s house anymore. Being around him repulsed me more and more over time. If I had to do these things to ensure my safety, I would—but I found myself needing to shower and scrub myself clean after every encounter. I was trying to eradicate all traces of him. I gradually reconnected with my friends and committed to spending time with genuine, kind people.
7. You have attractive friends again.
In abusive relationships, an abuser will often find ways to isolate you. Jealousy can be a main conduit of that isolation: I’d get in trouble if a stranger smiled at me, and he’d stare at me if I spoke to mutual male friends. Eventually, I started to avoid men completely.
Despite his heart-tugging stories of being cheated on, I knew that was controlling and unhealthy. I stopped putting his weakness above my needs and instead referenced my internal model for healthy relationships—my parents—who have both have mixed-gender friendships and trust each other implicitly.
If you find yourself hanging out with platonic friends of the gender you’re interested in, it’s a sign that you’re ready to enter the real world again. Cole has also observed that some of her clients start to experience crushes on other people and fantasize about romances away from their toxic partner. That’s because your gut is telling you that you deserve so much better than your abusive partner. Your mind is preparing you for your next chapter.
8. You do something to catalyze a breakup.
It can be so difficult to initiate a breakup that many people in abusive relationships try to do something that forces their partner’s hand. Indeed, narcissistic abusers prefer things to be on their own terms—they’d rather discard you than deal with the humiliation of you initiating the breakup. This is evident in how my clients tell me that their ex-abusers blatantly lie about the facts of the relationship termination.
Importantly, you’re in the most danger just before and after you leave an abuser. You must be careful of the ways you try to trigger the end of the relationship because your abuser may be vengeful. Always, always have an escape plan that puts your safety first.
9. You realize the drama of the breakup is worth what will come after.
Jonathan Marshall, a psychologist and executive coach, says to think about leaving an abusive relationship as if you’re being offered the choice of the red or blue pill in The Matrix. The blue one means you’ll wake up as if your life is the same; if you take the red one, you’ll awake having already separated from your partner, past any of the breakup pain and complication. “Clients who choose the blue pill clearly want to keep working on their relationship. They aren’t still there because of a fear of the pain of a breakup,” he says. “But those who choose the red pill may realize for the first time that they are not in their relationship because they love their partner. They are there because of the fear of breaking up.”
Perform that thought experiment on yourself. And then remind yourself that our brains have the capacity to amplify anxiety. Yes, the drama of ending the relationship can be ugly. But when you sit down and work through the details, you’ll realize you can craft a plan. You’ll realize it is doable.
Your abuser will notice you regaining your strength, separating from them. It will unsettle them, and the abusive behaviour will heighten. They will make you pay for daring to shine or for having the audacity to stand up to them. But as you stand firm in the wisdom of who you are, rooted in self-respect, you will become stubborn. Fight for your stubbornness. Fight for your future. Writing from the other side, I can tell you it’ll be one of the best decisions you’ll ever make.
Here’s to your abundant, amazing next chapter.
Doctor of Clinical Psychology – By Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy
“When you are authentic, you create a certain energy… people want to be around you because you are unique.” – Andie MacDowell
There’s a unique and unmistakable power in knowing, becoming and being your real self. Those who are truly happy in life understand this power and vehemently stick to their authentic selves.
When you discover how to be your authentic self, you live in the flow. Creativity and abundance come to you effortlessly. Consistently living up to your core values leads to self-confidence. You trust yourself, and know that you can overcome obstacles when pursuing your goals.
To be authentic is not to allow a situation or person to change you, unless for the better. Personal authenticity is firmly in place, regardless of who is in your company.
While we may not be able to change someone else’s authenticity, we can certainly change ours. Feeling the need to “put on a mask” is exhausting and stressful.
To be your authentic self requires honesty, vulnerability, and courage – and it’s also incredibly rewarding.
What does it mean to be an authentic person? And how do you find your true self? Here are some tips for how to discover yourself.
1. WHEN DO YOU FEEL THE MOST AUTHENTIC?
Asking yourself some direct questions can help you discover who you are when you are not putting on a mask or betraying your core values. When you get clear on those values, you will find it easier to make decisions in line with your authentic self.
- Which type of people, activities, or situations make you feel the most alive?
- Are there people or parts of your life that make you feel unhappy, angry, or toxic?
Then take it a step further. In situations that feel wrong to you, what’s really going on? Write down:
- Who you’re with
- What emotions come up
- What these experiences cost you emotionally or physically
In situations where you feel authentic, what’s going on? Write down:
- Who you’re with
- What activities are involved
- Positive emotions or outcomes of these experiences
From this activity alone, you will get a sense of what needs to change.
2. BUILD YOUR AUTHENTIC SOCIAL CIRCLE
If you want to live an authentic life, you’ll need to surround yourself with authentic people.
That means intentionally giving your time and attention to people who not only are true to themselves, but also support you in your journey.
Surround yourself with supportive people who lift you up. They can encourage you to shine as your true self.
- Find communities, groups, or people in your life who share your core values. Spend time with them and stand by them
- Surround yourself with people who encourage your big dreams, rather than shoot them down
- Walk away from the negative people
- Find a spiritual life coach who can help navigate your path to self-discovery
3. ASSERTIVELY SPEAK YOUR TRUTH
- Expressing your needs honestly with confidence
- Listening to other people when they speak
- Set boundaries that prevent unhealthy conversations
- Keeping eye contact during a conversation
- Being able to say no
Release any guilt or self-limiting thoughts. The past is the past – it’s over, done. Be in the moment, present, and at peace with your identity. This process may be gradual, and that’s okay. Breathe, be patient, and your real self will eventually surface.
4. IGNORE THE CYNICS
As you begin to make positive changes in your life, people will start to take notice. Most will look at you with admiration and respect – a few may not. Should you become aware of this cynicism, be mindful, and their pessimism, along with any discomfort you may feel, will inevitably disappear.
5. TAKE DAILY ACTION
If your time is dominated by other people’s priorities, of course you will feel you are not living your truth. Set aside time to decide your priorities for the day ahead: tasks for work, exercise, getting enough sleep.
Include time each day to take a small step forward on your personal goals. This could be as simple as spending a few minutes researching a career change or practicing an art or sport that brings you joy.
Write down times and places when you felt your authenticity begin to wane – the actions and behaviours (yours and theirs), the situation, your observations, and the outcome. Make a change!
6. PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYONE
It’s too easy to become lazy and overlook other people – don’t make this mistake. Many people have a valuable lesson to teach if we’d only let them. Don’t underestimate the power of observation. Some of the best lessons may come without a word being uttered.
7. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING
Giving your full attention to someone else is a remarkably powerful skill. Active listening is a sign of respect and of your true interest in others, which is a gift in itself. However, it also provides: (1) a stronger bond and level of trust with others, and (2) a fantastic opportunity to learn and grow from their knowledge and experiences.
8. BE KIND
Being your authentic self and living up to your ideals means demonstrating kindness to everyone. Say hello, ask them how they’re doing, and make good eye contact while displaying a genuine smile.
9. ACCEPT CHANGE
In order to be authentic, it also means being comfortable with change. Regardless of the circumstances, remain true to your inner core. Be open to self-improvement as well, as there is nothing more authentic than changing for the better.
10. ALIGN YOUR HEART AND PATH
You have one precious life to live. Spend it following your passions and your heart. Remember, the only expectations that truly matter are the ones that you set forth. Follow your real expectations by allowing you heart and life’s journey to walk step-in-step.
Now that you have a better idea of how to discover yourself, all that is left is to work on it and, most importantly of all, be authentic. Once you have figured out how to do this, and started living it, you may be surprised at how much your life and your relationships improve.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting
Your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals,
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
To hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your own life
From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
From the inside
When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
And if you truly like the company you keep
In the empty moments.
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
By Marianne Williamson
There are a few misconceptions about relationship counselling. Some couples believe that you should only seek help when separation or divorce may be likely. But that can often be to little, too late. You may want to consider relationship counselling as soon as the problems get in the way of your daily life. Here are some signs that you might benefit from a consultation:
- You have trouble expressing your feelings to one another
- You have one or more unsolvable disagreements
- There is withdrawal, criticism, or contempt in your interactions
- A stressful event has shaken your daily life
- You have trouble making decisions together
- You have experienced infidelity, addiction, or abuse
- You want a stronger relationship
Remember that there are no wrong reasons to seek relationship counselling. Some couples start therapy as soon as they are married, even without obvious problems, to build a strong foundation and prevent serious problems from developing. Counselling can help you become better communicators, develop strong relationship skills, and improve your family’s happiness.
Some couple wait six years before seeking therapy. This is a lot of time to let problems fester; at this point, troubled relationships are difficult to save. Instead, it’s best to acknowledge problems early and seek therapy as soon as possible.
Problems with relationships are not limited to romantic ones, even though that’s the most popular reason people consult for relationship therapy.
In the last few years online therapy has become increasingly popular for a number of reasons. Some individuals who suffer from social anxiety find it more effective to hold therapy online. For some couples who are separated or are working away find it difficult to find a suitable date and time to meet for therapy in person. Group video calls are very effective and are often held over Skype or WhatsApp.
Online counselling is cheaper and saves time. You don’t have to worry about the children being in bed, or if you have a cold and feel under the weather. Many therapists can offer more flexible appointments when working online.
Why not take advantage of a free consultation where you can ask your questions and to see if online therapy would work for you.
The past two years has seen a sharp increase in the number of couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties. According to a BBC News article ‘Covid ended our marriage’: The couples who split in the pandemic – more and more people were reaching out for online therapy.
But how does having online relationship counselling differ from face to face therapy?
The fist thing is to identify a therapist that you feel drawn to and who offers online therapy. You will need a laptop or smart phone which supports the use of Zoom, Skype or WhatsApp face to face. Ensure that you have somewhere comfortable to be seated during your hour with the counsellor with adequate lighting and good Wi-Fi signal.. Consider if you would benefit from headphones if you are not already set up with a microphone.
Your counsellor will give you a date and time for your session and will send you a link which you will click on and it will allow you to join the meeting.
Once you have found a comfortable space, set up your phone or laptop and minimised the risk of interruption you will find that speaking with your counsellor will feel quite normal.
Couples counselling doesn’t have to involve both of you together. You can always take turns and alternate sessions, especially if childcare makes it hard for you.
Sometimes clients can feel uncomfortable or threatened if their partner speaks to the therapist on their own, while others may find it easier to talk one to one. You should always raise any concerns with your therapy.
“Communication is key. That’s what so much of a counsellor’s work is about – helping a couple find ways of communicating with each other.”